Sexual dysfunction comes in many forms. One form you don’t hear about very often is anorgasmia—extreme difficulty or inability to have an orgasm. Anorgasmia affects both women and men, though it is more commonly experienced by people with vulvas.

There are two types of anorgasmia: primary anorgasmia and secondary anorgasmia. Primary anorgasmia occurs when a person has difficulty or the inability to orgasm, with or without a partner, for their entire life. Secondary anorgasmia, however, is when a person who has had a functional sex life suddenly develops the inability to achieve orgasm, with or without a partner, that lasts for a period of at least six months. Some people also experience situational anorgasmia, which means they can only orgasm under certain circumstances or simply cannot orgasm under certain circumstances.

There are many causes of anorgasmia. Some of the most common reasons for developing anorgasmia include depression, anxiety, medication side effects, injury, trauma, drug use, hormonal imbalances, or some medical procedures such as having a hysterectomy.

Determining the cause may be difficult, and in some cases, impossible, but having that information can help you determine how to move forward with potential treatments or ways to address it. A good first step in doing so would be consulting your primary care physician, or gynecologist, or reaching out to Dr. Stacy for a free 15-minute consultation.

Whether you or your partner are experiencing any form of anorgasmia, there are some important things you should know that will help you have a fulfilling sex life.

1. It’s not your fault.
It isn’t your fault that you can’t orgasm or can’t orgasm easily or quickly. It is very unlikely that the cause is anything you did to yourself or anything you did to your partner. It isn’t reflective of your skills in bed or how attracted your partner is to you.

Keep that in mind as you learn to work with your body and not against it.

2. Communication is vital.
It is absolutely crucial that you and your partner are honest with each other about what you are experiencing, what works and what doesn’t, what feels good, and what you want. Not being able to orgasm does not always mean you are incapable of experiencing sexual pleasure. If something feels good, make sure your partner knows. You may have to spend some time masturbating to figure out exactly what to ask for. It may also be a good idea to think or talk about how or when you want to be “done” or figure that out together.

3. Time to refocus. Orgasm should not be the goal anyway.
It’s time to focus on pleasure, not performance, not production–pleasure. When you focus on pleasure and having a good time, it takes the pressure off of trying to have an orgasm. The decreased stress is helpful too. Slow down and spend time enjoying your partner’s body and your own. This will help you learn to enjoy sex without orgasms and may inadvertently help you have one anyway.

4. Increase your intimacy in other ways.
Intimacy does not begin with or end with sex. There are many forms of intimacy. If sex is difficult for you and your partner right now, then maybe you need to focus on getting closer in other ways. Spend more time together doing activities you enjoy, turn off the TV and have dinner together, and focus on enjoying each other’s presence without the pressure of trying to have sex or trying to have an orgasm.

5. Don’t stop touching your partner.
Too many couples slowly stop touching over time, especially if they aren’t having sex. Not every touch has to be sexual. Spend time kissing, cuddling, holding hands, and rubbing each other’s shoulders to connect with your partner physically without necessarily having to worry about sex. The importance of physical touch is discussed more in my book: CONFESSIONS & LESSONS OF A SEXPERT: THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO INTIMACY AND BETTER SEX.

6. Foreplay has never been more important.
Foreplay is always important, but in the case of having difficulty reaching orgasm or needing a lot of time and effort to have one, it is even more necessary. If you or your partner can orgasm but just have to take a lot of time to do so, then spending a good amount of time—at least 45 minutes, but longer may be needed, depending on you and your partner’s needs—engaging in sensual touching and foreplay will not only make the experience more enjoyable, but also increase their chances of being able to orgasm.

7. It may be time to experiment.
Experimenting with toys, fantasies, and trying new things is always a fun way to mix things up. However, if you or your partner have trouble reaching orgasm, experimenting can be a fun way to make the experience enjoyable and memorable even if one or both of you do not orgasm.

8. Don’t neglect after-care.
After-care is important even if, and maybe even especially if, you or your partner don’t orgasm. Orgasm isn’t the only part of sex that takes energy or makes you feel vulnerable. After trying really hard to orgasm for an hour or so and having to use words you are maybe not used to using in order to give your partner directions or taking theirs, it is not abnormal to feel exhausted or even defeated. Take the time to engage with your partner after having sex and make sure they feel appreciated and loved. Not being able to orgasm or not being able to help your partner reach orgasm can be a blow to the self-esteem. Make sure your partner knows how you feel about them and that you enjoy having sex with them.

For tips and advice on ways to improve your intimate and sexual relationships, Dr. Stacy Friedman holds a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality in addition to a Masters in Clinical Sexology and is a Certified Sex Coach. She offers remote complimentary 15-minute consultations and ongoing coaching sessions. Call 1-561-899-7669 or visit https://drstacyfriedman.com today!