A few times now, I’ve gotten questions from someone who doesn’t have herpes about being in a non-monogamous relationship with someone who does have herpes. The concerns range from concerns about disclosing on behalf of that partner at the risk of “outing” them, to you, yourself experiencing stigma for being with someone who has herpes. Each of these fears are valid concerns as there’s no telling what another person may be thinking, feeling, or will do in response to this information. I think that’s an ideal first step in navigating this, accepting that we can’t control other people.
We know that herpes is a tricky virus. We know that you can present no symptoms and still have the virus, pass it on, and test positive for it. Surprisingly, to most people, just because you have sex with someone who has herpes doesn’t mean you will contract it from them. There’s a lot of misinformation that exists and it is confusing when you seek it out. I strongly suggest that if you’re someone seeking herpes related information from people’s lived experience in a way that is simple to access like a survey, that you visit SPFPP Herpes Statistics in order to see some of the shared experiences of people with herpes.
So your partner has herpes, you don’t, and you’re both non-monogamous. How do you disclose this information? Is it even something you SHOULD disclose? It’s not like they’re risking getting it from you if you don’t have it, right? Well, going back to herpes being a tricky virus, I believe it is important that if you are going to have sex with someone, that they know about this risk. It IS in fact possible for you to not have symptoms but still carry the virus especially after constant exposure to a partner who has tested positive for herpes. I’ll address three main points when navigating this conversation.
1. Outing My Partner For Having Herpes by Disclosing on Their Behalf
Sexual health is an important discussion topic for anyone you plan to be sexual with. If you test negative today and don’t plan to be tested again for another six months, yet are sexually active with your consistent partner, that status today may be different tomorrow, especially with an ongoing exposure to the partner who is positive. So that status could be in the process of changing, and it’s important for the person/people you may be potentially exposing to know that this is in fact a possibility that their status will change. And all you have to say is that you are involved with a partner who has herpes, although you haven’t tested positive or shown symptoms yet. That’s all you have to say. You don’t NEED to say who the partner is because if you are with other people, it should be assumed that you’ve had this same conversation with all but maybe the one of them who has herpes, but only you and that person would know that.
Take the pressure off of yourself and your partner. You don’t need to say who has herpes, only that YOU are involved with someone who tests positive for it. From there you can just ask the person what concerns/questions they have about it. Once those have been addressed, you can move forward.
2. Maybe They’ll Think I Have Herpes
Well, they might, especially if they know you’re in a long-term relationship with a herpes positive partner. The thing about herpes stigma is that it tells us all these things that subjectively are “bad” although the reality is that there are several people living the reality that folks who stigmatize us thing we live, but they get no criticism near the level of which we do. A monogamous person can have a new partner each day and be monogamous just like a person who has no STIs can have sex without barriers with a new person a day and never have a sexual health or relationship conversation about expectations. They repeat that again and again and because there are no consequences, there’s no criticism. However non-monogamous people who could have the same few partners, or the people with herpes who actually have the sexual health conversations are demonized for lifestyle choices of relating and just outcomes that happened differently than the monogamous herpes negative person. So despite the accountability with people who have herpes, those who DON’T have herpes who perpetuate stigma get a pass for something they really can learn from us, communicating about sexual health.
As a partner of someone living with herpes, you have a solid opportunity to consequence and stigma-free navigate this conversation on your partners’ behalf to minimize the output of stigma from your new partner you’re conversing with about the possibility of herpes exposure. I want to say that I’ve seen some very solid communication in the non-monogamous communities where this kind of conversation surfaces. Those involved not only are willing to have this conversation, but they DO have this conversation and often it is received in ways we don’t expect to have it received. Communication, especially as vulnerable as having a discussion about sexual health when the answer isn’t what all parties may expect which is generally a negative status, is a major key in minimizing stigma, while also honoring your relationships and still getting your needs met.
3. Fear of Rejection
It is very possible that the person you disclose to on behalf of your partner may not want to accept the risk. Rejection is a less desired outcome, but the lesser-desired outcome is NO outcome at all because of our own self-rejection. People often believe that people don’t want to have sex with someone who’s a “risk” of getting herpes or an STI from so we’ll internalize that and withhold ourselves from even initiating something for a beautiful experience to be had. Yes a person might not be okay with that, but I’ll tell you from experience that when someone likes you, they LIKE you and there’s nothing that’ll turn them away, especially in the non-monogamy community where people are already so willing to express vulnerability to connect and share their desires to connect. People in this community may face more rejection because of the abundance of options within the communities and spaces that curate those with this mutual interest including people who are practicing asking for what they want and turning people down. Let this practice be something that mitigates your fear of rejection.
I want to close this out by saying thank you for being someone who is such an advocate for your partner that you were willing to take the time to seek out this information and read this much. If you’re someone who’s dating someone with herpes and you yourself aren’t positive, I encourage you to check out the Something Positive for Positive People podcast discordant dating series. Or you can just google “SPFPP discordant dating” and the episodes will line up for you. Here you can hear experiences from people who don’t have herpes who date or have dated someone who does have the virus and you can hear from them some of the challenges, obstacles, hesitance, and positives from the experiences they share. If you have more questions please reach out. I love supporting people who want to be allies and educate themselves about how to support their positive partner especially with so much misinformation out there making it hard to decide how to move forward.
